Please Advise! Who Will Win the Big Hockey Bet?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

Premier David Eby and Premier Danielle Smith have made a bet on the outcome of the NHL playoff series between the Vancouver Canucks and the Edmonton Oilers. The loser will have to stand up in their provincial legislature, wearing the winning team's jersey, and read a statement written by the other premier.

Do you think this is a good idea?

Signed,

Nucky Johnson

Dear Nucky,

Sports betting was already a curse, but this has the potential to be a truly catastrophic gamble. Loyal Vancouverites want the Canucks to prevail over the Fossil Fuelers anyway, but now the stakes have been raised.

The Edmonton squad, having travelled here by pipeline, will now spill out over the city in a dark, oozing tide. Rumour has it Oilers players are not allowed on the ice unless they declare their undying enmity to windmills. It is said Premier Smith has designed alternate jerseys featuring Don Quixote. Connor McDavid himself could be benched for driving an electric vehicle.

In the event of an Edmonton victory, one can only imagine what a despondent Premier Eby could be forced to say. If the man has any imagination at all, he must be losing sleep over it.

“Mr. Speaker,” Eby might be required to proclaim, “I stand here today to declare that solar panels are the unholy rectangles of Satan. I, Premier David Eby, have perfidiously conspired to extinguish the refinery flame that the Lord destined to glow eternally like the light of Heaven. But today, like Pharaoh, I see that the mighty, hydro-generating waters I sought to tame have drowned my evil designs. It was ever thus. Since the beginning of the Second World War, on June 6, 1944, Albertans have been fighting the good fight against Canucks, Nazis, or worse, vaccination. Also Trudeaus. All of them. What has the prime minister ever done for Alberta? Except the Trans Mountain pipeline, I mean. And socialist dental care, which we don't even want. Big Brother can't make us brush. Give us cavities or give us cash!

“Anyway, I hereby support Premier Smith's brilliant plan for a breakaway Sovereignty Hockey League, which will include Edmonton, Calgary, Vancouver, and maybe Dallas. The Earth is 6,000 years old. Amen.”

On the other hand, should the Canucks win the series, what words might Eby write for Smith? Such opportunities are rare indeed:

“Greetings, my fellow Albertans. I, Danielle Smith, speak to you today from beyond the looking glass, not simply as premier but as a mystifying Mad Hatter, avatar of the absurd, a nonsensical nabob, a bewildering symbol of 21st-century politics. Where once there was a political link between rhetoric and consequence, between credence and credibility, now there is only Topsy Turvy, Humpty Dumpty and me. 'When I use a word,' Humpty Dumpty told Alice, 'it means just what I choose it to mean — neither more nor less.' From that egg, my career was hatched. I sing the praises of hydroxychloroquine, parrot conspiratorial prattle about the World Economic Forum, speculate that smoking is good for you and cancer is a result of your own personal failings, and cruise to victory regardless. What a shame that hockey is a game where nobody gets to vote on the final score.

“Having disappointed me so badly, Oilers, I suggest that in future you follow my lead. Take a more, shall we say, flexible approach to your work. It's important to set your own goals. And ignore the goal judge. But then, what do I know? Nobody takes me seriously anyway.”

It should be quite a series. And thanks to premiers Eby and Smith, you don't even need to be a hockey fan to understand what's at stake.